


The Bitch of Living

by Latino_Lance



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Boyf, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Recreational Drug Use, Shotgunning, Smoke Weed Everyday, boyf riends — Freeform, christine is autistic, coming out? for michael n christine, heart to heart, i lied on the shot gunning in the second BUT IT WILL BE IN THE THIRD, if u yell at me ill write a second chapter with shotgunning owo, ill update as the fic progresses, jeremy is bi (but like he doesnt know the word for it?), jeremy is getting there, jus alittle, more angst than I wanted, riends, squip is homophobic as the usual, uhhh ok, well christine is a lesbian!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-12-22 10:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11965185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latino_Lance/pseuds/Latino_Lance
Summary: Jeremy confesses to the girl of his dreams and it goes differently than he expected.





	1. Oh, Okay

“Lunch? Just the two of us?”  
As soon as Jeremy said this, Christine’s face visibly fell.  
“Jeremy… I’m sorry...”  
Oh.  
Christine seemed to notice the disappointment in Jeremy’s face because immediately she shook her head and blurted out, “It's not what you think! It's really not!”  
That’s what they always say.  
“ I’m sorry- but after dating Jake- I’ve… I’ve come to realize-”  
That she still has feelings for Jake Dellinger. Who wouldn't?  
“-that I'm a lesbian.”  
What.  
“What?”  
“Uhhhhh- so when Jake asked me out, I didn’t really like him as much more than a friend, but I thought ‘since the hottest guy in school is interested in you you should date him, maybe you could like him’ so I did. I guess I did feel a little upset when he cheated on me with Chloe, but. I don't know… Am I not as upset as I should be? I never really grew to like him. For the longest time, I thought I was straight or bisexual but now… I think now I know I’m gay. I’m sorry- it’s- it's ok if you hate me.”  
Christine looked at her shoes as she finished her rambling.  
“Hate you? Why would I hate you?”  
“Because I lead you on! Or… something like that!”  
Could what Christine did even be considered ‘leading on’? She did outright reject him, after all. And it wasn’t like she had done anything to purposely hurt him.  
“I'm not mad, Christine. I’m actually really proud you could tell me this!”  
“I’m proud of myself too…” Christine said to herself thoughtfully, before jumping back to look at Jeremy with the same amount of enthusiasm she always had. “I can’t believe I was able to actually come out to myself! Let alone another person! Thank you so much, Jeremy!”  
“No problem Christine. I'm really happy for you.”

Jeremy began walking out of the theatre and into the sunlight, slightly blinding himself for a second. He didn’t really feel upset at all or anything, which he guess he... should? He did almost destroy the entire school because of her.  
But instead, he felt happy for Christine. She could finally be herself. Christine didn’t know she was gay until senior year, but now- the thought sparked something inside of Jeremy.  
Was he gay? No. Not possible. He liked girls and did not like guys. Maybe.  
His mind went back to all the times he has seen Michael smile or made him laugh or the way Michael just loved to sprawl over Jeremy’s lap when they are getting high.  
Ok. So maybe he’s not straight. But he's not gay- he does like girls. Like, a lot. Christine had said bisexual, he remembered- maybe he should look into that.  
But for now, he needed to find Michael’s car in this sea that was the junior lot. Eventually, he found the rusted teal PT Cruiser and jogged over to the driver’s window to tap on the glass.  
Apparently, Michael was playing his music or dozing off, because when he heard the noise he looked genuinely shocked and… scared? It was kind of cute… No. That’s gay, and Michael is straight, and that's wrong… is he straight?  
Jeremy shook the thoughts out of his head, slid into the passenger seat, and closed the door.  
“So! How’d your confession with Christine go? Should I start setting a wedding date?”  
Jeremy laughed shyly. “She uh. Turned me down?”  
“Dude! What? And you're ok with that? You’ve liked loved her for years! Want me to talk some sense into her?”  
This caused Jeremy to let out a soft but genuine laugh.  
“No it's fine she-” was it ok to tell Michael this? It wasn’t his story to tell, but he didn’t think Christine would mind. “She’s gay. We’re still friends! No hard feelings! And don’t worry, I'm not too broken up about it!”  
Michael looked out the window, muttering to himself, “Looks like we both have something in common to talk about…”  
“What?” Jeremy asked, not sure if he heard correctly.  
“WHat?” Michael replied, a few octaves higher than his normal voice.  
“What’d you say?”  
“Uh…. nothing?”  
“No really? What'd you say?”  
Michael took a deep breath, “I said ‘looks like we both have something in common to talk about because I’m….. gay... too?”  
Oh.  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah.”  
“I'm surprised I didn't know that, Michael. I’m like, your best friend!”  
“One: you are my only friend. Two: I was uh…. Kinda scared you wouldn't be... ok with it?”  
“Wait what? Why wouldn't I be?” Did Jeremy seem like a homophobe?  
“Well, you just… seemed really... upset, when the kids at school called us... gay and shit. I’m sorry. That was stupid.”  
“No no no no! That’s not stupid at all! I wasn't mad that people were calling us gay! I was madder that they used it as an insult? I guess?”  
“Oh, ok,” Michael said, visibly calmer now that he knew Jeremy didn’t hate him. “So…. wanna go to an abandoned parking lot and hotbox?”  
“Wait you brought weed to school? And is that even a question?”  
“No, I did not ‘Bring weed to school’ fuckin narc. It’s in my glove compartment” Michael said with air quotes, “alright lets goooooo!” and the car burst into life and they sped off.  
Once the two boys reached their favorite abandoned parking lot (the one behind Seven Eleven because the cashier lady there does not give a shit if they show up stoned off their ass craving greasy taquitos or Slushies.) Michael searches in his glove compartment for a pill bottle and some rolling papers and gets to work. As Michael carefully places a small amount of weed on the paper and begins to roll, Jeremy can’t help but notice how cute it is that Michael sticks his tongue out a little bit. Now if only that tongue could be down his throa- No we are Not going there brain.  
Jeremy must have been staring for a second too long because when he refocuses, he notices Michael looking at him weirdly.  
“Dude you ok? Is there something on my face?”  
“No, just thinking… Anyway, are we gonna smoke or what?”


	2. I missed you man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy and Michael have a heart to heart in a Seven Eleven parking lot

Michael took the first hit, inhaling deeply and holding the smoke in for almost too long. Even with the blunt barely being lit, the car already had a comfortable haze to it.  
Jeremy really missed getting high with Michael. It was comfortable, familiar. He hadn’t been allowed to get high since the Squip and... he just... really missed Michael. Getting high was one of the few times Jeremy could be close to Michael and not feel weird about it, or like he was doing something… wrong.   
Jeremy knew being gay isn’t wrong but he still felt… wrong. Especially since most of those feelings were towards his best friend. But- Michael was gay and Jeremy is pretty sure he wasn’t straight so that was ok, right?  
‘It’s not ok, Jeremy… That’s disgusting. No one could ever love a slob like you anyway.’   
Jeremy’s hair on his neck rose at the sound of the Squip speaking weakly in his mind. No no no, he couldn’t be back already-  
“Hey Michael,” Jeremy said. “can you pass me that?”  
Michael took the blunt away from his oh, so plump lips and passed it over into Jeremy’s hand. Jeremy inhaled quickly and fully, probably holding the smoke in for far too long. Turns out booze isn’t the only thing that makes the squip quiet.   
“Hey Jerbear-” (Jeremy loved that nickname) “-are you ok?”   
‘Don't look at me with those beautiful brown eyes, not now.’ Jeremy felt like Michael could see right through him as if his skin were glass.   
“Huh? Um…. not really? But I’d rather not talk about it, I'm too sober right now.”   
Michael frowned. He could not let Jeremy suffer without trying to help.  
While snuffing the rest of the blunt he turned to Jeremy. “No dude. We should really talk instead of like, dancing around,” Michael made a vague gesture “whatever this is. I don’t want there to be tension between us, man. You know I’m always here for you, right?”   
Jeremy did know this. Even with him being a total dick during the squip incident, Michael always tried to be there for Jeremy.   
Jeremy was really surprised he did not notice any of his feelings for Michael until after the play. Guess it's true what they say, ‘you never know what you had til it's gone.’ But Michael was not gone, he had never left Jeremy’s side.   
Michael deserved to know what was going on.  
“Haha uh, man I’ve just. Really missed you? And I didn’t realize until the Squip made me cut off ties with you just how much I really cared for you? And it's just so… nice to have you back in my life…” Jeremy paused for a second to collect himself. “Um, the squip was talking to me again. It doesn’t have like the same power it had before, but just what it was telling me kinda, hurt? Like worse than the shocking?”  
“Wait- the Squip would shock you?”  
“Oh. Yeah. It would, and block you from letting me see you, like, at all.”  
“Oh.” Michael seemed upset, but brushed it off and pressed, “What did it say?”  
Should Jeremy tell Michael everything? No, he couldn’t bring himself to talk about his crush. Even in the abstract, Michael would be able to read that the crush was him. But… Maybe... maybe Michael could help Jeremy understand his… gay thoughts? His sexuality? All he had to do was not let on he even HAD a crush.  
“Um, so well. This is kinda hard to say.” Jeremy chuckled nervously. “After learning that you and Christine are both gay I thought, ‘maybe it’s ok if im…. Not straight?’ and the Squip told me that’s disgusting and no one…. Will ever… love… me.” Jeremy curled in on himself, feeling small and helpless. He felt a warm hand rest on his back and stiffened slightly.  
Michael was silent for a moment.  
“You know? I REALLY hate that overpriced electric tic-tac. That. That thing. It really messed with you, huh…? I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more than just- just stand back and let it ruin your mental health and take you away from me.” Michael took a shaky breath and composed himself. “I’m really glad you were able to talk to me, rather than bottling all of this up like you usually do, man. And I lo- I mean you’re the most lovable, awesome dude I know! Like, I could go on for hours and hours about how rad you are!” Michael smiled at him before his face turned worried. “Where is the Squip now?”  
“Uh- it's off? Like, after taking a hit the voices just... stopped, but I still felt on edge?”  
“That’s good- I mean, not that you were on edge, but-”  
“I know.”  
Michael was quiet for a moment, thinking. “About… the squip, saying you’re disgusting.”  
“What about it?” The way the question was phrased made worry stir in Jeremy’s gut.  
“I- I mean it was totally wrong! It was, and I hate it, but. Um. You think you might be… not. Straight?”  
“Oh. Yeah. Can I talk to you about that? I’m kind of… confused…”  
Michael sat up straight and turned to look directly at Jeremy, who mirrored Michael’s actions, albeit more reluctantly. “Okay, what are you confused about?”   
“Uh okay so… I like girls you know? But I also maybe like boys too? And I don’t know what that means, you know? And you’re like. Gay. so I was hoping you might be able to help???” Jeremy squeaked out uncertainly.  
Michael’s eyebrows furled as his face scrunched up in thought. Cute. “Uhhhh. Okay. So you might be bisexual? Or maybe pansexual? Either label. It’s up to you, really.”  
“Ok, question. What do either of those mean?”  
Michael, that bastard, actually started laughing. Softly at first, but soon tears sprung to his eyes as he doubled over. “You- you seriously don’t know what bisexual is? You like, are on the internet 24/7!!”  
“I’m usually watching porn...”  
“Gay porn?” Michael said, wiggling his eyebrows.  
“whAT?? NO!” Jeremy yelled, far too loud for the small car. He hid in his sweater to hide his embarrassment.  
“Dude I was joking, here,” Michael said, as he brought out his phone and began typing. He passed Jeremy the phone. Michael had brought up the definition of bisexual and pansexual.  
“This is. Like exactly what the word implies I guess…. I think- I think bisexual? Fits me best?” Jeremy said as he pressed the phone back into Michael’s hand. “Thanks, that really helped. Can we get back to smoking now?”  
“Yeah sure, You know I missed you too Jer?” Michael said, almost shyly. Cute.  
Jeremy smiled. “Yeah, I know. Come on, player two, I need to get a lot higher than I am now!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> qwerthyujiuytresw I'm sorry I promised shotgunning but i needed to write Jeremy and Michael talking because it felt way better! like more realistic? I didn't mean for this to be angsty but we can't all change fate.  
> NEXT CHAPTER, NEXT CHAPTER I PROMISE!  
> Tumblr: Bmcmutual (yell at me about BMC!)  
> beta reader: ABigGayNerd


	3. Smoke Filled Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two boys have a fun time ;)

After the tense (and much needed) heart to heart shared in the car, the two boys resume smoking. When the car was filled with smoke, and both Jeremy and Michael were very high, Jeremy had a brilliant (and very gay) idea that sober him would never even allow himself to think about.   
“Hey, dude. Wanna try something stupid. I saw it online.”  
Michael laughed. “That’s never good.”  
“No… no no no… this is a great idea man. Like the best idea ever… have you ever heard of…” Jeremy paused for dramatic effect. “Shotgunning?”  
“Hah, where’d you learn that from? A porno?”  
“Mayyyyybee? It looks fun though. C’mon, we're almost out of weed anyway!”  
“Dude that's like. Really gay.” Michael said lazily while eyeing the nearly empty medicine bottle. “We are almost out of weed though.”  
“We’re both really gay, dude.”  
Michael snorted, “Fucking true. Alright. Let’s just use the rest of this blunt, ok?”  
“Yay!” Jeremy exclaimed, happy as a clam, as he moved to sit up and face Michael.  
“Alright. C’mere, you,” Michael said, patting his lap. Jeremy crawled over the stick shift in the middle and straddled Michael’s thighs. “Jer you do know you have to breathe in when I breathe out right?”  
Jeremy stuck out his tongue. “Yes, I know that! I was the one to recommend it, you dork.”  
“Alright. Just don’t cough in my face” Michael said while bringing the blunt to his lips. They were really nice lips…  
“Michael, you have really nice lips, you know that?” Jeremy said while staring at said lips.  
“Hm? Your’s ain't so bad yourself” Michael said, eyes trailing down to also look at Jeremy’s mouth. Jeremy lifted his hand to gently cup Michael’s chin. Michael’s hands slid down to rest on Jeremy’s hips, making Jeremy shiver. Jeremy noticed Michael licking his lips. (Nice)   
Slowly, Jeremy pulled Michael’s chin up and leaned forwards until their lips touched. Jeremy pressed into it, harder. Michael hummed in appreciation. Jeremy really wanted to deepen the kiss, but moving was so hard... They both just kinda sat there with their lips pressed together for half a minute, until Jeremy pulled away with a dopey (hah) grin plastered to his face.  
“Y’kno,” Michael said, reaching for the unlit blunt, “Usually people smoke first before the whole mouth thing.”  
“Hah, maybe I just wanted to kiss you, man, or maybe I forgot what order it all goes in,” Jeremy said affectionately.   
Michael finally relit the blunt, inhaling the smoke. He lightly held Jeremy by the back of the neck, signaling for Jeremy to close his eyes and lean in. It wasn’t necessary by any means, but they reconnected their lips. The smoke passed from Michaels’ to Jeremy’s mouth. The smoke was far softer than taking a full hit. It felt nice. Jeremy enjoyed the warmth of Michael's mouth until he could no longer hold his breath, and he exhaled, the smoke curling between both of their lips.   
Then Jeremy did something sober Jeremy would never do in a million years.   
He took the still lit blunt out of Michael’s hand, snuffing out the embers on the ashtray on the car’s dashboard.  
“I don’t think we’ll need this for fun anymore- do you?”   
The smile Jeremy had on his face was downright devilish.  
“Mhm,” Michael agreed. One hand moved from Jeremy’s hip to his inner thigh, and the other to tug at Jeremy’s t shirt. “I don't think we’ll be needing this.”  
Jeremy smiled, shaking his head no, and Michael helped him out of his shirt.   
Almost hungrily, Michael began to suck on his bare skin, leaving pink marks in his wake. Michael left them everywhere he could possibly reach- his neck, his collarbone, Jeremy’s pulse point- that one caused Jeremy to let out a low moan. That one was darker than the rest, as Michael had stayed there for a while, drawing out more noise from Jeremy. The hand that was previously resting on Jeremy’s thigh moved higher, carefully applying wonderful, amazing pressure. Jeremy gasped, and his head fell forwards onto Michael’s shoulder. Jeremy tugged at Michael’s hoodie’s neck and began to make marks of his own.  
\---  
Jeremy woke up in Michael’s room. Somehow they had managed to get home safely. His head felt like fuzz and he could feel in his bones that he had smoked way too much.   
He had a wet dream about Michael. It felt so realistic, and. Hot. His memories of the last night went seamlessly from when they were both laughing and getting high, to when they were sucking each other's necks, among… Other. Things. It had felt so real, but Jeremy knew it wasn’t. Until Jeremy looked in the mirror-  
Holy shit.  
HOLY SHIT.  
No. no no no no no no no! Fuck! Shit no! Jeremy ran a hand through his messy hair, the other hand covering his mouth. Jeremy felt so guilty! He had never felt this guilty in his entire life.   
Quickly, before Michael could wake up, he grabbed a pen and paper off Michael’s desk and scribbled an apology. He grabbed his clothes, and he was gone.   
‘I fucked up,’ Jeremy thought to himself, running to his house. But when he got to his door, he felt so guilty, he couldn’t even think about showing his face to his father. Instead, he ended up running to the nearest park, where he flopped down onto a bench. He needed to talk to someone, but since Michael had been part of the problem, he couldn’t speak to him. Jeremy felt a wave of guilt even thinking about him. So, he pulled out his phone and called Christine.  
“Jeremy! Hey! What’s up! You’re up early!” Christine chirped, with too much enthusiasm for…. 5:30 in the morning.  
“Hey, Christine. Can I uh, come over to your house? I have a problem- I really need to talk about it.”  
The excited tone was immediately gone from Christine’s voice. “Yeah, sure Jeremy! is something wrong?”  
“I’ll tell you when I get there. Okay?”  
“Okay… See you in a few...”  
“Yeah. Bye.” Jeremy hung up and began heading for Christine’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugguhhuh sorry, this is short and a day late I got really high last night and was really hungover today!   
> I KNOW THE ENDING ISNT WHAT YOU WANTED BUT ITS REALISTIC TAKE IT FROM UR LOCAL HOMOSEXUAL LESBIAN WE AREN'T ALL HAPPY WITH OUR SEX DRIVES.  
> anyway! don't have sex while high kiddies (I mean I should say don't get high but id be a fucking hypocrite lol) I know I write a lot of angst but I'm a realistic writer, (BTW u lose ur filter when high that's why Jeremy could say n do all that!)
> 
> readers: This isn't what I wanted!!!  
> me: It's the only way you get what you want!


	4. a much needed talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy sit down and have a talk

Christine was sitting on her porch, waiting for Jeremy when he finally got to her house.   
“Fun night?” She smirked at his hickies. “You bounced back quick.”  
“NO! Well, it was- but! That's what I need to talk to you about! I really fucked up, Christine!”  
“Ok let's calm down, go to my room, and talk this out, but first,” she said, scrunching her nose, “you need a shower. You reek of weed.”   
Jeremy smiled awkwardly and let her lead him into her bathroom.   
“I’ll lend you my dad’s clothes, okay Jerry? I’ll leave them on the sink.” She left the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Jeremy quickly stripped out of his clothes from last night and turned the water on.   
He looked at his bare chest in the mirror as the water heated and he noticed How…. Many. Hickies he had… Holy shit. There had to be, like, twenty (it wasn’t 20). Jeremy groaned.  
When the water was heated to Jeremy’s liking, he climbed into the shower. The water was scalding and quickly turned his skin pink. Jeremy began roughly scrubbing his body, not caring about the pain. He felt so. Dirty.   
What if he took advantage of Michael? He was the one to initiate it all. G-d, what if Michael hated him?? What if they never spoke again? What if-  
His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the soft click of a door opening.   
“Hey- It’s just me, and you’re using all my hot water.”  
“S-sorry! I’ll be out in a minute,” Jeremy yelled. He rinsed the shampoo from his hair and turned off the shower. When he opened the curtain, Christine was gone and there was a heavy steam everywhere. Jeremy grabbed a towel from the rack to dry himself. He put on Christine’s father’s clothing- it was a little big, but he’d live. The grime from last night was off of him, but he still felt dirty, emotionally. He left the bathroom to find Christine.  
“Okay, now that you don’t smell like California, talk. I made hot tea for you.”  
Jeremy snickered. “California?”  
“Yeah. Everyone gets stoned there.”  
“No, they don’t.”  
“They don’t?????”  
“No they- You know what? This isn't what we are talking about right now.”  
“What were we talking about….. Oh right! What happened last night, dude? You seem so shaken up.”  
“Oh. You know. Just kind of ruined my whole life. No biggie.”  
Christine frowned in confusion. “Isn’t that kind of a biggie?”  
Oh, right. Jeremy forgot Christine can’t tell sarcasm. “Yeah, it’s a biggie. Sorry Chrissy, I forgot.”  
“Naw, it's fine! Don't worry! So…. what happened?”  
“I think I like, I don’t know, ruined my whole friendship with Michael?”  
Christine made a face that reminded him of Jenna when she was trying to get some prime gossip. Jeremy took a deep breath to steady himself. “Okay so- I and Michael went and got really high and during that we kinda…” Jeremy tried to get the point across with a vague jacking off motion. “You know?”  
Christine stared blankly for a second until it clicked. “oh my god… OH, MY GOD!!! You and Michael?”  
“...Yeah…”  
“But I thought you were straight?”  
“Eh, I think I’m bi? But that’s not really the point.”  
Christine flapped her hands excitedly, “Jeremy! I’m so proud of you! But, what’s the problem?”  
“Well like I said, we were both really high and I initiated all of it, what if I took advantage of him? I don't remember much of anything and I’m so scared Christine, what if I really hurt him, what if he hates me?!”  
“Ok let’s think this through,” her excited demeanor gone immediately. “This is really serious, and I think you really need to talk to Michael. First things first, do you regret it?”  
“Huh?” Jeremy didn’t really think how this affected him until now. “N-no not really? I regret the circumstances that this happened under and I wish we weren’t high when it happened… I feel horrible Christine but- but not about doing it; more like because neither of us could really say no? You get what I’m saying?”  
“Yeah, Jeremy, I completely understand. I just want you to know that none of what happened was your fault.”  
“But I initiated it, and he was high-”  
“You were both high. It’s nobody’s fault.” Christine smiled at him. “I’m sure he’s beating himself up over this too.”  
“What? But he didn’t do anything wrong-”  
“Yes! He didn’t! You were both high.”  
Jeremy sighed. “Yeah, I guess. I still feel guilty though.”  
“Things happen sometimes. It’s no one’s fault. You just have to move past it, together. This isn’t something either of you should deal with alone.” Christine patted Jeremy’s arm. “And more importantly, talk. To. Each. Other.”  
Jeremy smiled weakly, “Thanks, Christine. I just- I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m scared.”  
“It’s okay to be scared, Jeremy. This is a tough situation you are going through. Wanna help me bake cookies and you can talk to Michael on Monday?”  
“You know it. Can we make a batch of chocolate chip?”  
Jeremy did not end up talking to Michael on Monday. It wasn’t for lack of trying, Jeremy just could not for the life of him find Michael anywhere. His PT Cruiser was gone the minute school ended. He wasn’t anywhere in the cafeteria during lunch. He just seemed to disappear after each class period. Jeremy didn’t even see Michael walking the halls.  
Maybe Jeremy really did fuck up their friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY THIS IS SO MUCH MORE ANGSTY THAN I MEANT FOR IT TO BE. IM JUST A REALISTIC WRITER AND MY GAY LIFE HASNGT BEEN FLUFFY YET.   
> truth be told it's not gonna be fluffy for a while lol.  
> I think I plan to have two or three more chapters  
> btw I know for a fact like no one in California in Highschool gets high as much as we do on the east coast, lol.   
> and by 20 hickies Jeremy means literally 7  
> Christine is an autistic lesbian? Me too??
> 
> Kudos and Comments are needed!


	5. What Have I done?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alittle bit o Mickie moo's perspective

Now, Michael wasn't mad at Jeremy- far from it, actually. He just felt so, so ashamed. Michael didn’t remember much of what happened when he woke up. Just smoke, heat, and Jeremy. At first, he attributed it to some sort of wet dream, because. Well, he does have those a lot. And he was completely content with leaving it at that until… he noticed a note.  
“Michael, I’m so sorry. This was a mistake”-Jeremy  
The shaky writing made what he thought was a fuzzy dream suddenly become real and everything felt too icy hot. He couldn't breathe. The hoodie that had always felt like a shield for Michael suddenly felt too heavy, too constricting. He ripped off the offending fabric and felt better for a second until he noticed the plethora of hickies scattered on his neck and upper chest. Everything felt too focused and too far away at the same time. His vision swam as he rushed to the bathroom and threw up bile.  
What did he do to Jeremy?   
Michael tried to remember what had happened. Something had happened, obviously, but WHAT? He raked his memory for any possible clues.   
Hazy, hazy memories showed up.  
Had he- had he-   
Michael felt his heart fall into a black pit of horror.   
He couldn’t remember everything, but he could remember that they had sex. Not just made out. Sex.  
FUCK. Michael grabbed his hair and pulled. Had he taken advantage of Jeremy? A high, STRAIGHT boy, who wouldn’t agree under normal circumstances, who left him a note, telling him what a big fucking mistake he had made. Who Michael loved more than anything.  
He felt his stomach lurch forward again as he doubled over the toilet again. He wanted to apologize to Jeremy, but who would ever want to talk to someone who did… that to you? God, Michael could feel the soft gray haze of suicidal thoughts creep across his mind, but quickly he shook off the feeling. No! He doesn’t have the right to die or feel sorry for HIMSELF after what he did to Jeremy. Despite thinking this, Michael could not bring himself to decline the soft calling of his bed. He drifted back to a restless sleep. To avoid the reality of this situation, if only for a short while.  
\---  
It had been nearly a week and Michael had been trying his damnedest to never be in the same room as Jeremy. During lunch, he hid in the library, and he no longer went to his locker. Michael knew he was being a chicken, but he just couldn’t hurt Jeremy again by forcing him to see him! And, he was also kind of scared of seeing Jeremy himself.   
The day was normal enough. Go to the first period, avoid Jeremy, go to the second period, avoid Jeremy, pretend to not see Jeremy in the third period and talk to his sound booth buddies instead, avoid Jeremy, go to the fourth period, avoid Jeremy, and eat lunch in the library. Everything was going according to plan, and Michael was beginning to hope he could live the rest of the year like this. Until a certain somebody found him.  
That someone just happened to be Rich Dillinger.  
Michael was huddled in the corner of the library, watching documentaries on his phone, when he felt a… presence. A short presence but a presence nonetheless.  
“Where hath you been headthones,” Rich’s lisp was so prominent now, he sounded like a completely different person. A lot more approachable. He and Rich had talked things out, and Michael had forgiven Rich for bullying him, though he hadn’t forgiven Rich for bullying Jeremy quite yet.  
“O-oh, you know…. Studying,” Michael realized how dumb that excuse sounded after realizing he still had his phone out and there was no textbook within a 10-foot radius.  
“Uh huh. Tsho why are you avoiding Jeremy?”  
“Uh- um. That’s kinda… personal. And no offense, but I really don’t want to talk about it.”  
“Lithen. I don’t know what you did to Jeremy but he hath been thso torn up over thisth for the past week, that whatever you did musth be horrible and you sthould feel athamed.”  
Despite the lisp, the words feel like ice water in Michael’s veins. The venom in Rich’s voice swims through Michael’s bloodstream and suddenly he’s crying.  
“I...I’m sorry… I’m terrible…”  
“You don’t get to feel self-pity! You ruined Jeremy’s life and I never want to see you near him ever again!” Blood rushed to Rich’s face and for his entire rant, his lisp did not come out once.   
“Yo-you're right.” Michael stood up and took a step back. “T-tell Jeremy I’m sorry,” He began running for the door, forgetting his backpack on the ground that still read “riends” on the front. Before he could take the door handle to leave the library, it opened to reveal Jeremy. They both stood in shock, staring at each other after seeing each other for the first time in a week. There was a guilty look on Jeremy’s face. He smiled nervously.   
“H-hey Michael I need to tal-”  
“I’msofuckingsorryJeremy!” Michael sobbed, dry heaving before covering his mouth with his hands. He pushed Jeremy away from the door so he could get through, and before Jeremy could say anything, he choked out a watery, “I’ll never bother you again” and ran away, still crying as he rushed to his PT Cruiser.  
___  
Jeremy felt cement harden in his joints. Everything stopped. Michael was sorry? Why? Jeremy was the one to do all this. He turned around to see Rich standing triumphantly, and the pieces to the puzzle all came together. His skin was on fire with rage. Fire licked his neck and the tips of his hair as he stomped over to Rich.  
“Rich.” the look of triumph fell from Rich’s face almost immediately. “What the fuck did you just do?”  
“I-I just thought. H-he hurth you stho I to-told him to back offth.”  
“That’s not what I fucking wanted! I wanted to apologize to him! He didn’t do anything, it was all my fault!” Jeremy ran his fingers through his hair, the fire dying out as his anger diminished. Leaving only a soft smoke to lace the room as he based, and soot to leave footprints in a small circle on the carpet. “I need to, I need to talk to him. Right now.”  
“C-cant you wait til after schoo-”  
“RIGHT FUCKING NOW, RICH!”   
Rich flinched, not expecting Jeremy to yell. “Y-you don’t have a ca-”   
“I don’t give a shit! I’m walking, tell my teachers I had to go home sick or whatever! I don’t care.”  
Jeremy never cursed like this but his blood was so hot and his mind was so steamed it was like he would explode if he didn’t try to fix this right now. Jeremy grabbed Michael’s backpack and headed for the school entrance.  
The walk to Michael’s house helped him calm down. Finally, he would be able to talk to Michael and get this sorted out.  
‘Michael probably hates you for this’…..   
Those weren’t Jeremy’s thoughts.   
‘He could never forgive you. You really hurt him, Jeremy. Just turn back to school and let him live his own life. Michael has other people in his life, people who haven’t hurt him... You're unforgivable.’   
Maybe- maybe the squip was right. Maybe Michael didn’t even want to SEE Jeremy. He had been avoiding him for nearly a week and… No No! Jeremy needed to talk this out, to apologize to Michael.   
‘Does he even want an apology?’  
The more the squip faintly whispered doubt into Jeremy’s ear, the more his resolve melted like gallium in warm palms. Jeremy’s stride slowed until he completely stopped walking, only a block from Michael’s house. Maybe he shouldn’t even try, he’d probably hurt Michael more in the long run. Maybe he should-  
‘You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to talk to him and there’s nothing you can do about it,’ Jeremy thought to the SQUIP, and he continued on his journey to the Mell household.   
Within minutes Jeremy was on the porch steps and was about to knock when a better idea struck. Years ago Michael gave him a spare key to the house. After unlocking the house, Jeremy turned the knob and walked into the threshold, but no one was home. The house was quiet and the old wood of the house began to settle with Jeremy’s weight. Michael wasn’t there. Michael wasn’t in the living room, the kitchen, his bedroom. Michael had never gone home.  
‘Do you see Jeremy? Michael doesn’t want to be found’.   
No no no no NO! he had to be here! He couldn’t just leave! He couldn’t just leave Jeremy alone! Alone like. Like. like Jeremy did to him… Jeremy really had hurt Michael far too many times within that year… but there’s still one place he hadn’t checked! It’s Michael’s favorite place. With the last bit of resolve he had left, Jeremy dropped Michael’s and Jeremy’s backpacks on the floor of Michael’s room and headed for Seven Eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really text heavy and longer than my other chapters but ive been sick and high for the past couple weeks so I'm a giver. I actually hashed most of this out today while getting over my cold! I plan to have one or 2 more chapters after this, more christine more lesbianism and more boyfs :)))

**Author's Note:**

> Instagram: katscandrawtoo (yell at me about BMC!)  
> beta reader: ABigGayNerd  
> Kudos and Comments are my life source


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